Sleep

I need sleep. I need sleep badly... so badly... My eyelids are heavy as I write this, my fingers ache, the bite wound's scar aches... but I can't sleep. I can't sleep, because of the nightmares. They've gotten worse. I fall asleep from exhaustion, and the nightmares wake me back up.

I had a new nightmare last night, a new vision of hell. I was as before in the forest, the burning forest, but alone this time. The Watchdog was not with me, it didn't even appear in the dream at all... I was alone, naked, bleeding, burnt and in agony... and terrified beyond belief. And that, that is when the angel found me, gliding down noiselessly on ebony wings from the rising heat and smoke, silent and ethereal as it landed without a sound. I felt it approach, I felt it coming, and looked up at it, tall and thin. Its black robes billowed around it, and its porcelain mask turned downwards to gaze at me eyelessly. Then, after a long and oppressive silence in which only the roaring of the inferno could be heard, it spoke my name.

Richard Pinne...

Its voice was deep and powerful, like a roll of thunder in the heavens, and tinged with a dark sort of divine anger and sadness I couldn't quite approximate. It was as if graven iron bells tolled when it spoke, and then I realized, and knew which of the LORD's angels had come to me...

"Y-you... A-Azrael..."

Yes, Richard.

"Oh God... Oh God, am I...?"

Yes, Richard, Eventually Thou Shalt Die. But It Is Not For Thy Soul I Will Come.

"Why then? Why has God sent you? What do you want from me?"

I Am Sent As A Warning, Richard. Thou Art Mark'd For Death. The LORD Is An Angry LORD, And His Day Of Judgement Cometh. Thou Wilst Knoweth When It Comes.

"Marked... for death...?"

Yes, Richard, Thy Actions Hath Displeased The LORD. Thy Actions Hath Caused Many Deaths, And Many More Will Die. And It Is Your Fault.

I felt his gaze intensify, scrutinizing my every move, slowly dissecting me. Under that stare I knew the true pain of guilt, the true feeling of despair and inevitable destruction, the true fear of the divine... I knew, from the most base part of myself, that he was right... and the implications horrified me. And then, then he did something even more horrific.

He pointed behind me, and I turned... and I saw a bloodbath. I saw men and women crawling in the ashes of the woods, their clothing torn and bloodied. I saw bodies burning in the fields, set alight by nuclear fallout and waste. I saw women holding their own dead, disemboweled children and crying in anguish, and buildings turned into burnt-out and crumbling shells of their former selves. I saw men killing others, and children left orphaned, unable to survive. I saw a horrible monster of a man raping my wife to death, soldiers killing soldiers, my daughters being butchered alive... it was hell. Truly, utterly hell, and I knew... I knew such a fate would await me if I did not beg mercy.

Doth Thou Understand Now, Richard? he said, a sort of sick glee in his dark, powerful voice. Doth Thou See Where Thy Sins Lead?

"Yes! Yes, oh God in Heaven, yes! Azrael, angel, please... please, how... how do I keep that from happening? How do I stop it? How can God ever forgive me for what I've done...?"

There Is Still Time, Richard. Thou Art Not Without Redemption. Change What Thou Hath Wrought. Repair Thy Relationship With The LORD, Earn Once More His Trust And Love, And Thou Shalt Halt Thy Judgement Day.

"I-I understand... now I understand..."

Good. Wake, Then, And Knoweth Thy Art Burden'd By Sin. Repent, Richard. Repent, Or Thy Fate Is Sealed...
 He left me, and all became black as I woke to a cold sweat drenching my body and my wife trying desperately to calm me down. She's getting so horribly worried about me. My daughters don't understand. They keep asking why daddy wakes up screaming at night, and it's scaring them. They're so young, how can I tell them, how can I say what I barely comprehend myself?

I can't be around dogs anymore. They snarl at me, always, constantly... it's like they know something I don't. And the angel, Azrael... God, I... I swear he's following me. I swear he's stalking me. I see him in the distance, always watching, always... judging. He never says a word or approaches me, he merely nods, as if biding his time, waiting for the moment he will drag my soul to hell... He frightens me, that slender, black-winged, porcelain-masked creature, because I know he is following to torment me. He is following me to ensure I repent, to remind me of what awaits if I fail, to judge my sins with all the delight the Angel of Death takes in human suffering...

God above... am... am I going to die soon? Is that why this is happening? It... it can't be because...

No... No, there's no way it's due to the drone strike proposal. It had to be done, for the country's own good. Those monsters, those desert monsters that make up ISIS... they all have to die, that was the President's mistake, not killing them all sooner... not carpet-bombing the entire nation, not destroying those savages.

For God's sake, they behead Christians. I've seen the videos, I know what they do to people, how they torture them in the name of a false prophet, how they cause hell on earth for so many...

For the first time in a long while... I am starting to see just how horrible attacks done in the name of false religion are. How could any good Christian man kill and torture for the Inquisition, knowing Christ's sacrifice so sinners did not need to be punished so cruelly? How could anyone believe the Old Testament so much more important than Christ's rebirth that they would kill innocent women? False prophets, all of them, everywhere, their minds controlled and poisoned, brainwashed... all by the very people they trust. Thank God my own pastor is so kind, so open, so trustworthy... he would never do such vile acts, or condone such violence. We simply cannot hope to protect Christian morals in this country when we are condemning others... thanks to my renewed faith through my more frequent church visits, I see this now.

But if this was what God meant for me to learn, then why do I still see the angel? Why does it still haunt me? What does it want from me? What does the LORD need for me to learn? God, please, forgive me and please just tell me... answer my prayers, send me a sign, tell me what it is I am missing... Please...